To Bless and Be Blessed

- dedicated to all of you who have supported me and prayed me through this summer

I just finished my debrief session in SC (a week ago) where I spent time reflecting and writing about this summer. During our sessions, Tom encouraged us to try and sum up our time this summer to help us share our experiences with others. What my summer boils down to is this- as I spent time, energy, and prayer pouring into both little and big people at Casa Bernabe, I received overwhelmingly more blessings in turn.

And because the blessings were so apparent I am sitting here in the airport state side looking back on the long days spent with 17 toddlers and some amazing house moms and I wish I could remember the moments of sheer exhaustion more vividly to ease the homesickness for Guatemala. All I can seem to remember is how precious my new family became to me. And if only I remembered what it felt like for the alarm to go off at 5:20, if only I could remember what it was like to be the one to orchestrate nap times or bedtimes when I needed a nap myself, if only I could remember the frustration of disciplining children who decided to laugh in my face, if only I could remember that terrible smell of po-po every morning and diaper change... if only these memories hadn’t faded in light of the memories of the blessings then maybe the homesickness would ease.

Because what has stuck in my mind is Claudia sitting in her bunk in the morning with her head propped in her hands smiling- Bueno Dias Nena. (short for Lorena) Buenos dias mi amor, good morning my love. I am missing you right now.

What has stuck in my mind is Jose pequeno sitting on the armrest of the sofa stroking my hair that was wet from the rain and every time I would turn and look at him, he would smile his toothless smile and lean over and kiss me on the cheek.

What is engrained into my memory is hugging Magali, Alex, and Rosa when I dropped them off at school and them telling me- Necesitas besitos! You need a little kiss. I would get my kisses and tell them to behave well at school. Si Lorena…

What I will really never forget is Jose David whispering to me during Dora, Lorena, te queiro mucho! ...David, te quiero mucho tambien. I love you David.

These are the blessings that immersed me in joy during my time this summer. And as much as I know that the hard parts of this trip are fading fast from my mind, I also know that the blessings of the beautiful memories only actually came about after the exhausting times when I was obedient to pour out. The biggest blessings only came about after the biggest sacrifices.

For example, Claudia who loves me now, was my worst nightmare the first 2 weeks. She would not listen to me or interact with me positively- she only whined at me. I had no patience left for her and after a couple weeks of working at the house, we started disciplining as well as playing with the kids. Because we were willing to do timeouts and change diapers and spend time at the house just doing dishes, we started gaining Claudia's love. As we affectively put Claudia in timeout and would even take her back to her bed when she started throwing fits, she not only started responding to our authority, she started playing with us. She learned my name and would come up to me and have me sing her a song. (Which I would only do until she didn’t want me to sing with her anymore and would hush me so she could finish the song.)

And Jose pequeno, who was the first to run up to me at the end of our time (and may or may not be my favorite little boy who squirmed his way into my heart) really didn’t pay attention to me very much at all until we started helping with diaper duty (there are only 4 not potty trained in the house.) Andrea and I would take turns changing this little guy’s diaper because he reeked. Every time he had po-po all the kids would tell us because none of them wanted to play with him when he had pooped because he smelled so bad. Bringing Jose down to the house to shower him down after he had po-po was a sacrifice and there were plenty of times when I felt sick to my stomach thanks to him. But Jose loves water, so once he got over the fact that we had interrupted his playing in order to change his diaper, he would get all excited to be in the shower. We laughed every time I bathed him and it was all I could do to get him to not jump in the shower. The face time with him, bathing him and wrapping him up in the towel made me credible and worthy of his love. It was only through the po-po that I could earn the giggles and incessant kisses on the cheek.

And thus the story of my summer goes, it was because we started going early to the house that we got to bring the kids to school. It was only because we spent so much time watching the kids that Jose grew in trust and love for me, enough to tell me he loved me every day the last week we were there. (Yeah thanks for that timing buddy…) It was because we disciplined that we became lovable to Claudia and others, and it was because we were there constantly meeting their needs that they loved us enough to cry when we put them to bed that last night.

My summer in a sentence- as I spent time, energy, and prayer pouring into both little and big people at Casa Bernabe, I received overwhelmingly more blessings in turn.

Thank you for being witnesses and enabling me to experience the Lord’s work this summer. He is at work loving and restoring precious and broken little kids to health and wholeness and I got to be a part of it thanks to you all. Family and friends, you have poured out in me and I pray that you all are blessed in turn by my kids just as they have blessed me.

This is the Lord’s doing, it is marvelous in our eyes. Let us rejoice and be glad. Psalm 118. (check out Mosaic’s song to catch my spirit here.)

You will fulfill your will for me Oh Lord, I will Praise you for your steadfast love!

It's our last day here.

Last day.

I am about to go to the house and I have never been so excited to try and help bathe 11 little boys. And put gel in their hair. And... ok I need to stop while I am ahead otherwise this blog will be oversentimental.

And although I am really sad, and not ready to go, and although I have to completely rely on God's strength because as Matt said last night with a smile "I am currently watching the train wreck that is you right now!" I am a bit tired and weary, today is the day to praise the Lord my God.

He has been so good to me!!!

And mis amigos here at Casa Bernabe have welcomed me into their family- they have been so good to us.

And now, I get to go worship with my kids and my friends one last time.

Would love prayers- especially ones of praise for God's goodness here.

Peace,

Lo

That's the way this wheel keeps turning now.

Leaving sucks. I'm pretty sure that in the garden of Eden when things were perfect leaving did not exist. Everything was probably all-inclusive.
Not here, not now. Now we leave for vacation, for college, we leave our hometown to move cities, we leave stages of life behind and at each transition, we leave people. And as Johnny Mayer says: that's the way this wheel keeps working now. Because in the imperfect version of this world, life is mixed with goodbyes and hellos. It's a never ending wheel.
"And if you never stop when you wave goodbye, You just might find if you give it time, You will wave hello again, You just might wave hello again."
The wheel is getting to me. This entire week has been emotional as I have tried to detach from this place and my babies. I have teared up at the most unexpected times- like the other night when I had a little girl in a onezie sitting on my lap and she wouldn't sit still because she just kept wanting to hug me. Or while I was doing Ana's hair and one of the most rowdy little boys decided to be my assistant and hand me bobby pin by bobby pin. (strange moments...) Or this morning when one of the boys was on the toilet and the other was playing with his tooth brush in the sink and I came in the hurry them up and they both smiled preciously and said "Hola Lorena." Those little kids... they stole my heart. And what's worse, I need it back now.
The worst was definitely on Monday. I sat down with Charlie (obviously fake name...) and he had just scraped up his knees. Because I had his full attention and we were one on one I decided to explain to him again that we (Andrea and I) we leaving. Last time he laughed at me when I explained it, so I knew I needed to try again. I explained that we were going back to our families, and that he was going to stay here in his house with his house moms. And he scrunched his brow and I asked him if he understood. "No..." "We have to leave and go far away soon and we are not coming back soon. And you are going to stay here in your great house!" His eyes started watering and lip quivering and ... he cried. "Charlie, do you understand what is going to happen?" "Si!" he answered angrily through his tears. "are you crying because you are sad?" "SI!" My heart hurt.
I swooped him up and told him how God sent us here especially to play with him and to make him feel special at his new house (he had only come to Casa Bernabe 1 week before we had) but now God told us that we had to go home and that he was going to send new friends here to be with Charlie. He shook his head, but he was still angry. This little one had been abandoned before.
Since then, I have told Charlie everyday that he gets to stay here at Casa Bernabe and he even smiles now and says "Si!" He's getting it, praise God, that we REALLY don't want to leave him. And he is happy because he is affirmed in our love.
But I am not happy nor appeased. I keep assuring them of our love and telling them how we have to leave, and am getting worse for it. That day in the park tore me up. I had to go inside and cry. Because when it comes down to it, Charlie will heal, he will get it, and I will still be missing him and the others wishing I could be the one to love them.
After all, this is the closest I have ever come to feeling like a parent. After this short time of changing them, disciplining them, playing with them, and feeding them my kids have commandeered my heart. The more I worked on their behalf, the more deeply I loved them. And after this short time, the kids who are friendly with everyone have started to respond to us in a deeper sense. They trust us to insure justice when someone hit them, they know we will change their diaper when they ask, they will come to us to help them with little things, to do their hair, to give them their clothes, and they always want to tell us when they did something good, or how they behaved in school. They know we have been there for them and they show it. And that is a sweet reward from God.
But now we leave. And thanks be to God, they truly don't need us. Charlie cried because he was sad because he has grown to love us, but he will move on because he has so much love here. They all will. And God will provide for them.
But me, that's a different story.
And thus I am here constantly tearing up because I don't get to be apart of my kids' lives anymore. I don't get to take them to school anymore. I don't get to change their diapers or watch the younger ones get poddy-trained. I don't get to pick out their clothes... And I am going to take some time and pout about it before I go home :D.
That's the way this wheel keeps turning now. We pour out, we leave. And it was good to be here, and I wouldn't trade it. But when Charlie cries, and my heart hurts and I have to say, leaving sucks.
"And if you never stop when you wave goodbye, You just might find if you give it time, You will wave hello again, You just might wave hello again."
Pray for us.

No, he is not safe. But he is good.

God is not safe, but oh he's been good.
When I came here I came with strange fears like the fear of getting a weird stomach bug and being stuck in the bathroom for weeks. Or with the fear that I would be lacking things that I needed, thus I over packed with cliff bars and a jumbo contact solution. Or with the fear that I would feel alone or perhaps so estranged to people here that I wouldn't be able to form strong relationships. Or the fears of sweating my brains out and getting lice.
And after I said goodbye to Tommy at the airport and was sitting in my seat before taking off, not knowing where the heck I was actually going, I sat there and told God that this summer was going to be hard enough and he best stop sending me places. I told him I didn't think I could do this whole charade where I leave my boyfriend and my parents at the terminal not knowing when I would get to talk to them and skip off to a strange land where I didn't know what anything would be like. I told him that I would probably be better off learning important life lessons a little closer to home- somewhere where I wouldn't look like the dumb gringo.
And here I am. My fears- void. My experiences- wouldn't trade them. Instead my fears becoming reality this summer has been a time where I continually thought, I can't imagine what I would be missing out on if I had stayed in my comfort zone.
The staff here are people I would not want to miss out on knowing. The women who run my house of 17 kids are only 19 and 21 and they are amazing at loving and caring for these kids, and thus I have seen God do the impossible through them. Their drive in life has left me wanting more of the crazy things God might have for me because they are definitely not going to settle.
Not only the staff but being able to see this country- a huge blessing. Our hotel that was on a lake surrounded by volcanoes took so much to actually get to, and yet because we were willing to trek, we got to experience the most amazing view. Even here when I wash dishes I get to look out at the mountains and be still.
And not to mention the kids. I get more hugs and kisses everyday than I thought I'd ever need. And how precious is it to see a kid's face light up when I come to their house in the morning or after nap time. I don't deserve for the little girl to look at me every morning and yell "Lorena!!" Smile, head tilt, "Lorena." Smile, "Buenos dias Lorena!" finished by a giggle and a hug. And here I thought this trip was about me sacraficing so that I could pour out what God had given me to others. That's partially true, but more so I am being poured into.
Because as it turns out, God is not a vindictive teacher who wants to move us to the next level of excruciating work so we grow and achieve more. He's not waiting for us to complete one level of faith and understanding so that he can assign us a new research paper at the next level. And I'm convinced that he's not a carver, waiting with a knife to carve out the nasty in us to make us something beautiful in the end. He's a potter who sometimes pumps the wheel so fast that it tickles, or who speeds up the wheel because he knows we can feel his hands better when he does.
God is the overexcited dad who makes his daughter go on the roller coaster even though she thinks she is not ready. He is the dad who takes his daughter skiing on the black slopes and when they get to the top of the hill he exclaims- follow me! Because he wants his girl to experience not only the view but the crazy ride down even though she's scared to death and he knows it. (sound familiar dad?) God doesn't want us to miss out. He's not a germaphobe. He's not concerned with his kids getting their clothes dirty or even with them getting a few bruises. In fact, they will get a bit beat up along the way- that's inevitable because he is not safe.
And that means that life holds some terrifying moments where we are standing on the top of the ski hill looking at the moguls wanting to bail- moments like on the airplane where I was skeptical and a little bitter. But once we go, without fail, there's more than we could ever have imagined on the way down. And God is right there snapping pictures yelling "I told you so! Now come on, there's more!"

So God, you are not safe. You are crazy in fact. And I am thankful because this has been a ride- the view, the people, the blessing- they wouldn't have happened if you hadn't dragged me on the ski lift and zoomed down the trail in front of me yelling "come on already!"

Romans 8:28 And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good...

Reasons to love this land

(AKA snapshots from the past two plus weeks when I neglected this blog)
1 Weekends away are scenic, thrilling, and cheep! Last weekend we stayed at an amazing lodge in the middle of a lake surrounded by volcanoes, which was not easy to get to but totally worth it. (it was raining when we arrived, and the dock was sort of underwater... Cressia was the only one to fall:D)
2 Zip lines go from the side of one volcano to another
3 Tuk-tuks! (google them and then picture 4 of us inside)
4 The amazing house moms love Twilight even here... not only did we make a night of it, but they sell ice cream at their theaters!
5 The mornings are beautiful enough to get up for (ok so I didn't have a choice)
6 Little girls still like to sing all the time- like this morning when I was doing their hair for school and we all started singing worship songs
7 Embarrassing moments will be left behind
Let's pause here for some explanation. In Guatemala, the culture is more formal than casual US and people don't really go out anywhere without getting ready... well since we started going to the house at 6 am, I didn't want to shower beforehand, so I would go with Andrea in the mornings in my PJs, glasses, no make-up, the usual morning grunge. Funny, after we got to the house one morning we were asked to take the kids to school. Our kids are too little to just drop off, so we have to stay with them in the mornings until devotionals start. So the rest of the kids at school are dropped off and the playground is full of tons of uniformed children, their dressed up teachers, and two white gringos in their glasses and PJs running around trying to keep 5 year olds controlled. Then devo's start and we are supposed to get the kids into lines- I had no idea what was happening, all I knew was that one of my kids was climbing up the flagpole behind one of the teachers (thankfully he is my friend) who was giving devotions. He would not get down so I crawled up, yes, in front of all the kids to get him down. Then we start praying and I am trying to keep my head down and be incognito, but that doesn't work because Ive got one of my boys in a headlock and all these kids are smiling. Oh, and I am wearing socks with my flip flops. So finally a teacher comes over and replaces me and I sneak out. Andrea is in the back, not intentionally leaving me but looking for one of the kids who we swore we lost. Laughing and completely embarrassed we left as fast as we could... and as we are walking back to the house there is one of our little boys, walking on the trail in the forest alone. Why? Still a good question. He wasn't mischievous looking, he just had the dear in the headlights look going on. I had to then walk him hand in hand all the way back through the crowd of people staring at my PJs and bring him into his classroom and explain to his teachers in Spanish that he was in the woods and I didn't know why. Then I left. Recap- gringo Lauren climbs in front of school of dressed up Guatemalans in her PJs and looses a kid in the woods. All the while wearing socks with flip flops:D

Back to the list of reasons to love this land
8 Good friends are still to be had in like minded people who love the Lord, even though communication is sometimes rough
9 FRUIT! praise God for all the fruit consumption on our get away
10 these kids, although we constantly discipline them and make them despise us, get really excited to see us every morning.
11 I get to play outside in the now beautiful weather with the kids.

Praise God for this place. Keep us all in your prayers as we only have 2 weeks left here and we all need to start detaching... which pretty much is the opposite of what we want to do. But God has been good to us. Pray for the kids too that they can accept our leaving and know that it is not their fault we have to leave.

Grace

Last night, Andrea and I had what we called the biggest babysitting job of our lives. One of our four house moms is leaving to go back to the states tomorrow, so last night was the night that the house moms went out to dinner while we they entrusted us with the kids.
We got to the house at 7pm and all of the 17 kids were in bed but not yet asleep. Andrea went into the boys' room to supervise and I went into the girls' room. All but two were asleep, and I figured that I would stand there and occasionally tell the two who were awake to go to sleep and then I would leave and watch a movie or something. It was quiet for about 10 minutes and just when I started to leave the room Claudia, age 3 threw her blanket off her bed. Claudia was on the top bunk so as to fence her in. I gave it back and told her gently to go to sleep. She sat up and started crying. I tried patting her back and saying over and over again "estas bien", "you are ok." Then she started crying harder- that terrifying cry where there is a long silence because the kid stops breathing for a second and then suddenly the scream comes. The other girls started squirming in their beds and I ran over and picked her up. There was no way this one was going to wake up all six of them. At this point I still had love and sympathy for her. She was upset.

So I carried her through the hallway and as she got comfortable on me, I started to wonder how on earth I would get this chick into her top bunk. Andrea was having success with the boys, and they were almost silent in the next room, so she needed to stay in their room so I was stuck trying this alone. Every time I got near her door, Claudia would start crying again. So I bit the bullet, brought her into the room, and prayed for her and the rest of the girls to sleep. But she started screaming again. I couldn't take her back down, that clearly did no good, so I put her in her in her bunk. Then she kicked me. And threw her blanket at me. And start throwing her version of a temper tantrum- which looks like her slapping her knees with her hands. I climbed up and tried to lay her down. She slapped me. I took her blanket and left the room. She started quieting down so I thought leaving her alone was the best option. Then I heard this strange buzzing sound coming from the room. She was buzzing her lips against the mattress. And then she started talking to herself at a loud volume while the rest of the house was silent. I had to go back in and tell her lay down. She tried to kick me again. And then she started crying. One of the other little girls yelled "be quiet Claudia!" So I took her out and made her sit on the floor in the hallway. At this point I couldn't take it. I had sung to her, kissed her, hugged her, patted her back while she tried to kick me and had irrationally gotten beat up for it. Andrea came over and I asked her to take Claudia. Not a lot of love left.

Andrea sang to her and rubbed her back and I went to the living room to get away. I sometimes have trouble taking things personally, and after a long day spent pouring out, I gave my last to Claudia and she beat me for it. It was 9 and I had spent two hours with her. As I sat there in the dark living room I remembered my favorite verse- "Then he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses." 1 Cor 12:9. Here I was, in my weakness with no strength of my own left and the little girl was still sobbing in the hallway. I prayed as much as I could for this little one, and still my power was insufficient. I knew that whatever happened from this point on would be his power in my weakness. So I got up and challenged God to do a good work because I clearly did not love this little girl.

I went into her room and started humming "Jesus Loves Me" with Andrea while stroking her back and she was still so mad at me she wouldn't let me touch her. So I kept humming. And came in front of her and kissed her forehead and Andrea moved away and I got right up to her bed and she looked at me and then put her head on my shoulder. Andrea left the room and I started quoting scripture out loud. I started with 1 Cor 12:9. And she got quiet. Amazed and really confused as to why I just actually said that verse out loud in a room full of sleeping girls, I kept going. I quoted Psalm 23- the Lord is my shepherd, he makes me lie down beside quiet waters, he restores my soul. Phil 1:4 He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion in the name of Christ Jesus. Hebrews 10:22 "let us draw near to God with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith," ect... These verses were more for me than for her. And as I kept quoting scripture, I realized that these verses were full of assurance and peace for both myself and Claudia. I also realized I needed to memorize more scripture because finally I started quoting Genesis 1, "On the first day, On the second day, On the third day..." which I thought was funny at first, but even these simple verses reminded me that God loves us and called us good. Then I decided to jump to Revelation and as I started saying "Holy, Holy, Holy is the Lord God Almighty who was, who is, and who is to come" Claudia laid down and fell asleep. And I moved back from her bed and went to the middle of the girls' room saying that over and over again, knowing that one day we'd be saying it together. In heaven.

His grace is sufficient. Even for me. Even for Claudia.

Momma Love

This is what John, the little boy I babysit for, says when he misses his mom. I want my momma love.

Being here is making me experience this momma love even though I don’t have any kids to call my own. (And I won’t be taking any home- no worries, not yet at least) Because caring for these kids requires a lot of forgiving, a lot of consistent discipline, patience, and endurance in dealing with bodily functions. Caring for these kids requires momma love. Aka agape.

Last Sunday, for example, I gave all the girls their bath (shower) and the water was cold. I had already done my hair for church and was going to change quickly before the service started after the kids were ready. My plan played out a bit differently when Rosa wouldn’t give me the shower hose and decided to spray all the girls herself and Mariella jumped out of the shower and attacked my leg while Claudia screamed and Magali started crying. My leg was soaked and my hair was clearly not going to make it either. What was I to do - yell at little naked screaming girls for being cold? Yes! Just kidding. No- with God’s grace I started singing songs about how great water is and counting to three excitedly each time I sprayed them so they knew the cold wouldn’t last too long. In that moment I did not feel like trying to cheer up these little girls who seemed like my enemies. But God did a miracle right then- he handed out some momma love to me. Because momma love is not easily angered.

I was the one with the towel afterwards who got to wrap them up and hug them as they got out. And it didn’t matter that my coffee had worn off.

God knows something about momma love. Momma love (comparable to agape in my use of it here) is constantly tested but constantly rejoices in victories.

So yesterday, when Andrea and I were at the park, Jose got diarrhea that got all over him. I took him back to bathe him. My stomach had been uneasy and more so Jose was mad at me for bringing him back to the house to clean him up. He wanted to keep playing. But after he was bathed and re-diapered I let him pick out his own socks and shoes. Black socks and Sponge Bob crocks. I grabbed his hand to go back up the hill and he kissed it. Happy as can be he bounced up the hill and every time we walked past someone I made sure they saw his awesome feet. What can I say, at that moment he was my cute kid to show off. Momma love is patient and kind.

Later I came back and Hector was at the house and I was supposed to bring him up to the park with the others. He gave me the evil eye and I told him sternly that he was coming up with us right now. And he yelled no and dropped to the pavement. When kids these age don’t want to go somewhere and an adult starts to grab their arm they very strategically make their body go limp so it is impossible to drag them along. I looked down at Hector and he had tears all down his face. Normally I would not allow for this blatant disrespect of lying down on the pavement because one doesn’t want to walk, but God reminded me that Hector is fragile. So I bent down, and humbled myself and instead of demanding that he respect me, I told him I wasn’t mad and that I needed him to come sit with me. I held him for awhile and he finally told me he didn’t feel good. After some time of him sitting on my lap curled in my arms, he started to feel better and suddenly he jumped down and started playing cars with the boys, occasionally looking back at me and smiling. Momma love always protects, always trusts, always perseveres.

Momma love, aka agape, is a miraculous thing. Thank you God for giving all of us a taste of it this summer.

PS: Moms have bragging rights- here is my moment to brag:

Claudia can say “tah dah!”

Anderson shared his car yesterday

David is finally playing with the other kids

Juanito can wink with each eye

Mariella gargles her spit and makes hilarious faces

Alex is good at braids

Melvin sings whenever he swings

Mauricio is the most gentleman of all

All of our boys pick us flowers daily

Manuel can draw a monkey with chalk

Rosita always comes and finds me for a hug

My kids are so dang cute. AND IF YOU WANT TO SPONSOR ONE, GO TO:

http://www.foce.org/sponsorship.html (and pick one from CASA LAMAR! My house! Ok, the other houses work too)

1 Corinthians 13

Love

¹If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. ²If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. ³If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

⁴Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

⁸Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. ⁹For we know in part and we prophesy in part, ¹⁰but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. ¹¹When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. ¹²Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

¹³And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

La Piscina! (THE POOL!)

I never took the time to explain the best day at Casa Bernabe so far. Friday the amazing Crossroads Community Church (aka "The Indiana Team") who was here for our first two weeks paid for all of Casa Bernabe to venture to a water park!
All of the sunscreened kids in their cute but awkwardly fitted swimsuits piled into three buses with huge smiles. They had been waiting all year for the day at la piscina. I sat with three of my kids on the school bus on the way there and we got to see more of the naturaleza of Guatemala. The mountains we drove through were a worshipful start to the day. I had some sweet moments with Magali and Rosa who sang Spanish worship songs with me while we listened to them on my ipod. The moment was only sort of ruined when Rosa, who was on my lap, threw up. Don't worry- I grabbed a plastic bag quicker than flash and we caught most of it. My gag reflexes are relaxing these days.
We got to the pool and Casa Lamar went to a closed in area with a 2 ft pool that had two slides. I've never seen the kids so excited as in that water. Splashing, giggling, sticking their faces in the water, and spitting the water like a fountain out of their mouths onto my head continued for 3 hours as I played with them in the hot, fun, but not so sterile water.
After a while, the older 4 year old girls and I all started playing hair salon. It was a true sacrifice for me to let them gently stroke my hair and pour water over it again and again pretending to wash it. I was so relaxed every time they would finish I would exclaim that "Oh my hair is dirty again!"
Swimming was an amazing chance to get one on one time with my kids. I got to go around and swim with one at a time because the others were more than preoccupied with their friends and the water.
I also learned to appreciate the fact that when I was younger my mother would tell me to reapply sunscreen. It's been awhile since I had so much fun in the pool that I forgot to ever put more sunscreen on. Unfortunately, it was under the Guatemalan sun that I made this mistake. We had to spend some good time later that night doctoring our sunburned shoulders and faces with aloe and ice.
In the afternoon we relocated to the little kiddie water park with the mushroom waterfall, dragon spitting slide, and giant octopus. Pretty cool. The boys from the Indiana team did a good joy chasing kids around, and Andrea and I took advantage of the ice cream and coffee in the snack shack.
The way home was eventful. Within 3 minutes all three of my little bus buddies were sound asleep. Rosa was hugging my left arm, Melvin was asleep in my lap, and Ofelia was hugging my right arm. And pretty soon the whole bus became quiet and the mountainous scenery reappeared. It is hard to explain how I felt. I've never been a parent, but I can imagine now why parents love doing fun things with their kids. It's more fun and exciting to see them lit up and have the time of their life. And its the most satisfying thing to see them pass out at the end of the day knowing their memories are a little sweeter.
Once again the moment rapidly changed when I felt something wet and warm running down my leg. I looked at Mackenzie who was sitting across the isle- "Melvin is peeing on me!!!" This little precious Melvin who was in my lap is in the process of being potty trained, and I don't think he went before he left. This was one of those moments where if you don't laugh, you'll cry. So now I'm laughing, trying to unwrap Ofelia from my right arm to use baby wipes to clean up my now peed on leg, all the while the little angel in my lap is still sound asleep. The liquid is limited at this point to my knees, so although someone else offered to take him from me, I declined the offer because what the heck- it already happened to me, why should he dirty up someone else.
But then it happened again.
And then again.
Three times total Melvin peed on me. And there was no where to go and nothing proactive to do about the situation. I tried cleaning myself up, but Melvin was still asleep and their was not point in waking him up because he's a screamer. My gag reflexes were not as relaxed at this point. In fact, that was definitely the most disgusting and long hour ride I've ever had. I was chanting in my head "whoever welcomes a child in my name welcomes me" over and over again for 45 minutes.
And then a rainbow appeared in the sky. And although that did not make me any less disgusted, I was granted the reminder that God loves me and that he gave me parents who let me pee on them once upon a time. And Melvin did not have a mom to show him that patient love, he had me. So I was the blessed to do what only a parent would do for an hour, even though I knew he would wake up screaming and never thank me or even know.
After we got back I passed him off right away and ran to the shower completely grossed out but not forgetting the amazing day at la piscina with my kids.


Sorry to my boyfriend for continually using the word you despise in this blog. There was just no replacement in this situation.:D love you.
Thanks mom and dad for letting me pee on you twenty years ago. I appreciate it. Really.

Family Time

These days are good. They take a lot of constant work, energy, and patience because all day is spent with kids who have the same needs day in and day out. Go figure that even though they just took a bath yesterday, they need another one today! Sometimes it gets tedious and some days Andrea and I wake up in the morning and really want to stay in the peace and quiet just a few minutes more. But we are a part of the family in a literal sense and in the spiritual sense, so peace and quiet is not what we signed up for. Instead of coming in and serving for a few glamorous hours, we get to deal with family stuff- with kids crying because the other kid took their shoe, with the same dishes that we swore just got washed, with the same kids who seemed to have forgotten how to listen to you since the last time out. This week has been a sweet reminder that God is all about the family stuff, and therefore he is very present in the family stuff.

Tuesday of this week was the most discouraging day. The house mom’s needed a good break after they had been with the kids for a long time and I was excited that they trusted us enough to take care of the kids for the entire morning without them. It was eventful as I learned to exert authority in Spanish and had to put 6 of the kids in time out, take Claudia’s shoes away, and mediate between crying kids constantly because someone took someone else’s something. My throat hurt at the end, and I came to lunch completely dry. I called Tommy that afternoon and ended up hanging up because I was so exhausted and discouraged. I wanted the kids to listen to me. I also did not enjoy being the disciplinarian for 5 hours, dealing only with the crying and angry kids. Like I said it dried me up.

So I took a two hour nap and got up and did not want to go back to the house. I wanted to cry and do my devos and eat chocolate and drink coffee. But as I started to pray I was gracefully reminded that God did not have me here working because he expected me to do my share. He had me here because he loves me and he has good things for me here. As I prayed I was reminded that God is not just the dad of these kids, he is my dad too. And these kids are my brothers and sisters in Christ, and God wanted to use them to love me just as he was using me to love them.

I prayed with Cressia and Allison and went back to the house. I told God I was weary and I needed rest, and he challenged me to let him give me rest. I walked in skeptical, but gave control over to the Lord and sat down on the couch with kids. Then Hector, one of the little boys who is too energetic to sit still for more than a second, came over to me and crawled up in my lap. He was smiling the whole time he was sitting there and we started to play a game where he eat my nose and I took it back and put it on my face. And then he sat on my lap and wrapped my arms around him for a half hour. Andrea was watching us amazed that he was so content. Rest.

God wants us to be a part of the family because he wants us to experience a deeper love. When you are a part of the family you experience the tedious stuff, but you also get the privilege of moments sitting on the couch with the kids in their PJ’s where all they want to do is cuddle. God knows this. He knows that I am his daughter and I am limited. He knows that he wants to show me love within the family because it means the most.

When I give over control and let the Lord give me rest, he does. I’m learning that no matter how hard it is, I don’t want to trade family time for anything.

Matthew 7:11
If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!

Los ninos

I love these kids, but I also know these kids. Which makes them less cute but more interesting. And they have a lot of snot. And they still respond to threats of “would you rather walk or go get in your bed?” And they each have very specific stories. Today the stories are as follows:

Suzie. Difficult and weird. She took the water glass and went and sat really close to the wall and stared at it. She also randomly refuses to walk and we have to threaten her with strange things like taking her shoes. Like I said, difficult and weird. Today I walked into the bathroom and her arms were completely immersed in the toilet and had a bar of soap. Her shirt was all wet and she just looked up at me and grinned. I had to leave really quickly to laugh. And yet take a look:

Endearing ain’t she? We started really bonding today when I decided to imitate her very expressive faces. Apparently I’m hilarious.

Samson is clingy. Some of the men from the other group found a little snake and were showing my kids. Samson got so freaked he almost pulled my pants right off. No worries, I have quick reflexes.

Rickie. He is new here, which is a sad thought. He’s not very social yet, and he cries a lot. But today we spent a long time on the swing together and his smile is the most precious thing. Someday I will capture it. I also spent a long time arguing with him because he always has to “pee pee.” The argument went as follows “No necesitas” (you don’t need to) “Si” “no” “si” “no”… This happens often. How do I know when he really has to go? He doesn’t ask, he just runs back to the house.

Today I came inside and Ricardo was standing in the hallway with his pants and underwear at his ankles. He was waiting for someone to give him toilet paper. The problem was that Gerson was already on the toilet. I had to laugh when I went to go get paper and Ricardo hopped away into the laundry room with his pants still down. Another universal fact: kids like to be naked. Ricardo also has a fettish with Andrea’s hair. Yesterday he did her hair half up and put a flower in it.

Then there is Chelsea, she’s pretty much just cute and chill. She likes to touch your face.

Stopping to worship

I'm getting into the swing of things here. I feel like apart of the house that I work in all day and this is a blessing.
Yesterday we had church with all of Casa Bernabe- all the 180 kids and the staff. I realized how significant this day of worship is because during the week the kids can forget that the staff here is serving them because of the love of Christ. And the staff can forget why they are serving as well, and we can start to try on rely on things like sleep and food for sustenance when it is only Christ who sustains us.
But because we meet together as a body, every Sunday is a beautiful opportunity for the kids to be reminded of the fact that their house parents, cooks, maids, teachers, and volunteers are here because they love the Lord. ANd the house parents, cooks, maids, teachers and volunteers are reminded of what the Lord did for us, and how we are not worthy to even be here serving. Worship was definitely more significant for me this week, because I not only got to praise the Lord for his glory that is apparent here but I got to worship with the kids I serve every day. And as we sang truth like "Oh no you never let go, through the calm and through the storm," and "Your perfect love drives out fear" in Spanish I saw some of my kids turning around to watch me, like they wanted to know if I believed these things we sang. And ironically, because of them, I can hold tighter to these truths that God is good and he is our protector more so than ever.
So I worshiped even more because of the testimony of these kids and of this staff. And the kids worshiped more genuinely because of me. And I think that is the whole idea of the body of Christ.

PS. Sundays also mean the kids look adorable in their church clothes. Good job house mommas.

Before the day of rest, there must be a day of crazy.

This morning Andrea and I decided that Hector, who laughs at us whenever we are ordering him to do anything, doesn't take us very seriously. And we thought our mean faces were so stern, but I guess we are wrong because the only reaction we get out of him is laughter. Apparently the gringos are so funny. But we are so seria right now!
That is our new phrase when adorable Guatemalan children don't take us seriously. We are so seria right now.
Then after a couple hours of pushing kids on the swing, we sat down to swing and suddenly were pulled into another game of house. So instead of being children who could be held accountable for their actions, and instead of trying really hard to understand the kids' Spanish, we pretended to be the babies. So for the next hour little girls were giving us fake bottles and yelling and praising us in Spanish. And all we did was sit there and pretend to cry. We quiet enjoyed being difficult babies. And our other kids really enjoyed the show.

Then I was asked if I wanted to go with three of the women and all of the 3-5 year old kids to get the boy's haircut. I thought it would be a sweet adventure, and the kids were excited. 18 kids and 5 adults including the driver piled in the 15 passenger van and off we went on an adventure that started around 11AM and ended at 345PM. I was right. Adventure.
Here are some of the highlights of this endeavor:
One girl got sick on another. Two tried to smuggle the cookies under the seat of the van and eat them there. David was asleep on my lap though all of this by the way. Naomi pinched her fingers in the window. Magali and Anderson were jumping on the seat and yelling whenever they saw agua. It had just rained. I turned around and Alex was picking his nose with all his fingers. It's possible. Mariella flipped over a seat and hit another little boy in the face. He thought it was funny. 10 little boys got their hair buzzed in a one-room barbershop. Magali complained that Alex had just kissed her! And on the cheek! All the kids, myself, and one other lady stayed in the van in the parking lot of a supermarket for about an hour.
And the kids thought it was an awesome day.
And I came home hungry.
And it's 9 Pm and I am so going to bed. I thought about the significance of this day. That's as far as I got. Cuz let's face it. Sometimes talking about boogers and sharing all day makes you shallow. :D God bless our day of rest tomorrow. And God bless those women!

Playing house means something more...

Playing house is universal. And no matter where you go, little girls want to play with your hair.
These are some of the things I learned today with Casa Lamar- the house where the two and three years-olds live.
This is where I spent most of my time today and yesterday (and may be there for the next two months working alongside Andrea and Beth.) Every morning breakfast is at 7, and the day starts with los ninos at 8am. And from 8 till lunch at one we get to privilege of watching these kids and helping their house moms. Then at 1 we hand them back over and go back and eat lunch with the team. We have until 4 to return to the house and take the kids again, or stick around the house and help them there. Today during free time I ate lunch and then took a 2 hour nap:D. Because two and three year-olds don't stop moving. They don't really stop needing hugs, they don't stop falling down, the little boys don't stop running and the little girls, well as we all know, don't stop whining. And I love it, because these kids have been given the love of Christ, the love of parents here, and because of that they have the freedom to run, fall, cry, laugh, be 'monos' (monkeys) and they can whine. And all day today I got to sing a song- Tu tienes un amigo que te ama, te ama, te ama Su nombre es Jesus. You have a friend who loves you, his name is Jesus.
My prayer through this rewarding and exhausting work is that the physical touch and attention that these kids get from us will be for the purpose of allowing them the reassurance that they are so loved. And for these three single ladies that they will be blessed with moments of quiet to themselves and will be refreshed by maybe not having to do 25 dishes for at least one meal that day. These women are amazing, but their job and ministry does not allow for great moments of rest- so may God give them those moments! And may we not be discouraged.
Playing with little ones is hard work, but today when I was playing house in Spanish and little girls were doing my nails- with magnets, and my little friend Moracio came up to me hugged me and told me he was my papa I had to laugh. Because this kid knows what a papa is like. Because he's got the love he needs from God, and ironically I don't think I believed that God's love was actually enough before I came here.
So it took Moracio, tiene 3 anos, to tell me he was my papa before I really acknowledged the depth of this love of my God who me ama, me ama... su nombre es Padre.

Oh day one...

-I broke up a fight between three year olds.
- I also had a little girl sneeze in her face.
- Emily got made fun of for not rolling her "r"s correctly. Silly gringo!
- Matt found out on stage that his role as Jesus required a LOT more awkward standing than he was led to believe.
- Ashley decided not to birth nine babies at once.
- A little girl told Morgan in English that she was going to adopt her.
- Sara peeled blazing hot peppers. A billion of them.
- Beth is sort of catatonic right now.
- Matt lost a fight with garden insects and the sun...and the rain...and the mud...and six shovels.
- Lauren Haefliger became a champion corn stalk javelin thrower.
- Matt's nombre es Jesus!
- We lost Alison to the babies...no seriously, we don't know where she is.
- Cressia became a pro-stair climber and can now break walls with her calves.
- Andrea is a master charade command giver! (y no habla espanol!)
- Emily tried to consume bird food.
- Andrea and Lauren failed to discourage the eating of wild berries.
- Beth averted stick-related homicide by removing the weapon from the two year old.
- Matt handles spiders much less bravely than Sara or Lauren Haefliger.
- We all agree that this place is the greatest!!!!!

Love at first sight....

!Hola amigos!
We arrived safely at 1 this afternoon after leaving Rainbows of Hope headquarters at 4 AM. The view from the plane made me just as excited to be in this beautiful country as the chubby little boy who was sitting next to me. The mountains are stunning, and we are 5000 ft above sea level here. The soot from the vulcan has all been swept up and the city seems like it is up and running as usual.
Amazing praise- all 17 pieces of luggage made it through the airports and met us in Guatemala city!
Another praise, the facilities here are great. These kids are so well taken care of, and we got the news as soon as we arrived that the short term teams that come throughout the summer would be working on projects, but we would be working with the kids. :D
Now its finally bedtime. Prayer for our assignments on where we will be working is the most important request right now.
Mom and Dad- you'd love this place. And they have a little salon, so I am kind of bitter that you didn't further encourage my early dream of being a beautician. Turns out up-dos arent really that useful.
Oh and PS my team is amazing. And so is the spanish language. And, don't judge this blog, it was written on limited sleep:D
I see why people fall in love with this country.
I am.

The importance of Bear Hugs...

This blog, previously named ‘Lauren Harlow’s Blog’ is now better suited with a childlike name and one that more appropriately indicates what this summer is going to be about. Because as much as I made the last few weeks about me, about what I need and about and about what food I wanted to eat before I left for rice and bean world, God graciously is going to make summer about a lot more than just me.

So why ‘Bear Hugs’? One- because I get to hug beautiful little kids this summer. (ps- just found out that there will be 180 kids at Casa Barnabe!). Two- because the arms of one who conquered all is around these kids and bear hugs are the best, (even though my family knows I don't like them:D) because you know you are being wrapped up by someone bigger, someone who is both mighty and gentle. Like our God. And although I get to physically hold the kids, I also know that God is ultimately holding them as their father. Three- because ‘bear’ can mean two things. It’s an animal and an action. And God willing, this summer I will learn about bearing the burdens of others. And I will see the children who experience redemption bear real fruit.

This blog name, then, leads me into why I am here (a question I’m sure I’ll learn more about along the way.) The story goes back father than one might suspect. About a year and a half ago I found myself listening to a song at my friend’s funeral. It was her favorite song and is one that left me with a taste of both reality- because things aren’t as they should be- and hope. It’s Chris Tomlin’s ‘God of this City’ and while my heart was completely broken by the suffering of this world, Bailey’s song reminded me that greater things are still to be done in this city. While Bailey was alive, she taught me a lot about suffering and she passed on a great tenderness to me. When she died my heart was awakened even more so to the ways people suffer. And through it all I gained the understanding that whenever his kids are broken, God's heart hurts. And he is the one we are to run to for his gentle and powerful bear hugs.

And so I am heading to Guatemala in the morning because God made my heart tender and allowed me to feel a glimpse of brokenness and now he is challenging me to expect even more healing from him. He is expecting me to hold even tighter now to the hope that we have. This summer there will be broken kids who have never known love. Pray for them. And our role in going to work with them is to remind them time and time again that God is not a God of despair. He is a God who will do greater things. For greater things have yet to come and greater things are still to be done in this city.

I found the hope of redemption through my buddy Bailey. Because God didn’t intend for us to hold on to the suffering. He intended us to hold on to the hope he gave us. And the only way to do this is to hold onto one another. Bear hugs.