Grace

Last night, Andrea and I had what we called the biggest babysitting job of our lives. One of our four house moms is leaving to go back to the states tomorrow, so last night was the night that the house moms went out to dinner while we they entrusted us with the kids.
We got to the house at 7pm and all of the 17 kids were in bed but not yet asleep. Andrea went into the boys' room to supervise and I went into the girls' room. All but two were asleep, and I figured that I would stand there and occasionally tell the two who were awake to go to sleep and then I would leave and watch a movie or something. It was quiet for about 10 minutes and just when I started to leave the room Claudia, age 3 threw her blanket off her bed. Claudia was on the top bunk so as to fence her in. I gave it back and told her gently to go to sleep. She sat up and started crying. I tried patting her back and saying over and over again "estas bien", "you are ok." Then she started crying harder- that terrifying cry where there is a long silence because the kid stops breathing for a second and then suddenly the scream comes. The other girls started squirming in their beds and I ran over and picked her up. There was no way this one was going to wake up all six of them. At this point I still had love and sympathy for her. She was upset.

So I carried her through the hallway and as she got comfortable on me, I started to wonder how on earth I would get this chick into her top bunk. Andrea was having success with the boys, and they were almost silent in the next room, so she needed to stay in their room so I was stuck trying this alone. Every time I got near her door, Claudia would start crying again. So I bit the bullet, brought her into the room, and prayed for her and the rest of the girls to sleep. But she started screaming again. I couldn't take her back down, that clearly did no good, so I put her in her in her bunk. Then she kicked me. And threw her blanket at me. And start throwing her version of a temper tantrum- which looks like her slapping her knees with her hands. I climbed up and tried to lay her down. She slapped me. I took her blanket and left the room. She started quieting down so I thought leaving her alone was the best option. Then I heard this strange buzzing sound coming from the room. She was buzzing her lips against the mattress. And then she started talking to herself at a loud volume while the rest of the house was silent. I had to go back in and tell her lay down. She tried to kick me again. And then she started crying. One of the other little girls yelled "be quiet Claudia!" So I took her out and made her sit on the floor in the hallway. At this point I couldn't take it. I had sung to her, kissed her, hugged her, patted her back while she tried to kick me and had irrationally gotten beat up for it. Andrea came over and I asked her to take Claudia. Not a lot of love left.

Andrea sang to her and rubbed her back and I went to the living room to get away. I sometimes have trouble taking things personally, and after a long day spent pouring out, I gave my last to Claudia and she beat me for it. It was 9 and I had spent two hours with her. As I sat there in the dark living room I remembered my favorite verse- "Then he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses." 1 Cor 12:9. Here I was, in my weakness with no strength of my own left and the little girl was still sobbing in the hallway. I prayed as much as I could for this little one, and still my power was insufficient. I knew that whatever happened from this point on would be his power in my weakness. So I got up and challenged God to do a good work because I clearly did not love this little girl.

I went into her room and started humming "Jesus Loves Me" with Andrea while stroking her back and she was still so mad at me she wouldn't let me touch her. So I kept humming. And came in front of her and kissed her forehead and Andrea moved away and I got right up to her bed and she looked at me and then put her head on my shoulder. Andrea left the room and I started quoting scripture out loud. I started with 1 Cor 12:9. And she got quiet. Amazed and really confused as to why I just actually said that verse out loud in a room full of sleeping girls, I kept going. I quoted Psalm 23- the Lord is my shepherd, he makes me lie down beside quiet waters, he restores my soul. Phil 1:4 He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion in the name of Christ Jesus. Hebrews 10:22 "let us draw near to God with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith," ect... These verses were more for me than for her. And as I kept quoting scripture, I realized that these verses were full of assurance and peace for both myself and Claudia. I also realized I needed to memorize more scripture because finally I started quoting Genesis 1, "On the first day, On the second day, On the third day..." which I thought was funny at first, but even these simple verses reminded me that God loves us and called us good. Then I decided to jump to Revelation and as I started saying "Holy, Holy, Holy is the Lord God Almighty who was, who is, and who is to come" Claudia laid down and fell asleep. And I moved back from her bed and went to the middle of the girls' room saying that over and over again, knowing that one day we'd be saying it together. In heaven.

His grace is sufficient. Even for me. Even for Claudia.