Leaving sucks. I'm pretty sure that in the garden of Eden when things were perfect leaving did not exist. Everything was probably all-inclusive.
Not here, not now. Now we leave for vacation, for college, we leave our hometown to move cities, we leave stages of life behind and at each transition, we leave people. And as Johnny Mayer says: that's the way this wheel keeps working now. Because in the imperfect version of this world, life is mixed with goodbyes and hellos. It's a never ending wheel.
"And if you never stop when you wave goodbye, You just might find if you give it time, You will wave hello again, You just might wave hello again."
The wheel is getting to me. This entire week has been emotional as I have tried to detach from this place and my babies. I have teared up at the most unexpected times- like the other night when I had a little girl in a onezie sitting on my lap and she wouldn't sit still because she just kept wanting to hug me. Or while I was doing Ana's hair and one of the most rowdy little boys decided to be my assistant and hand me bobby pin by bobby pin. (strange moments...) Or this morning when one of the boys was on the toilet and the other was playing with his tooth brush in the sink and I came in the hurry them up and they both smiled preciously and said "Hola Lorena." Those little kids... they stole my heart. And what's worse, I need it back now.
The worst was definitely on Monday. I sat down with Charlie (obviously fake name...) and he had just scraped up his knees. Because I had his full attention and we were one on one I decided to explain to him again that we (Andrea and I) we leaving. Last time he laughed at me when I explained it, so I knew I needed to try again. I explained that we were going back to our families, and that he was going to stay here in his house with his house moms. And he scrunched his brow and I asked him if he understood. "No..." "We have to leave and go far away soon and we are not coming back soon. And you are going to stay here in your great house!" His eyes started watering and lip quivering and ... he cried. "Charlie, do you understand what is going to happen?" "Si!" he answered angrily through his tears. "are you crying because you are sad?" "SI!" My heart hurt.
I swooped him up and told him how God sent us here especially to play with him and to make him feel special at his new house (he had only come to Casa Bernabe 1 week before we had) but now God told us that we had to go home and that he was going to send new friends here to be with Charlie. He shook his head, but he was still angry. This little one had been abandoned before.
Since then, I have told Charlie everyday that he gets to stay here at Casa Bernabe and he even smiles now and says "Si!" He's getting it, praise God, that we REALLY don't want to leave him. And he is happy because he is affirmed in our love.
But I am not happy nor appeased. I keep assuring them of our love and telling them how we have to leave, and am getting worse for it. That day in the park tore me up. I had to go inside and cry. Because when it comes down to it, Charlie will heal, he will get it, and I will still be missing him and the others wishing I could be the one to love them.
After all, this is the closest I have ever come to feeling like a parent. After this short time of changing them, disciplining them, playing with them, and feeding them my kids have commandeered my heart. The more I worked on their behalf, the more deeply I loved them. And after this short time, the kids who are friendly with everyone have started to respond to us in a deeper sense. They trust us to insure justice when someone hit them, they know we will change their diaper when they ask, they will come to us to help them with little things, to do their hair, to give them their clothes, and they always want to tell us when they did something good, or how they behaved in school. They know we have been there for them and they show it. And that is a sweet reward from God.
But now we leave. And thanks be to God, they truly don't need us. Charlie cried because he was sad because he has grown to love us, but he will move on because he has so much love here. They all will. And God will provide for them.
But me, that's a different story.
And thus I am here constantly tearing up because I don't get to be apart of my kids' lives anymore. I don't get to take them to school anymore. I don't get to change their diapers or watch the younger ones get poddy-trained. I don't get to pick out their clothes... And I am going to take some time and pout about it before I go home :D.
That's the way this wheel keeps turning now. We pour out, we leave. And it was good to be here, and I wouldn't trade it. But when Charlie cries, and my heart hurts and I have to say, leaving sucks.
"And if you never stop when you wave goodbye, You just might find if you give it time, You will wave hello again, You just might wave hello again."
Pray for us.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
No, he is not safe. But he is good.
God is not safe, but oh he's been good.
When I came here I came with strange fears like the fear of getting a weird stomach bug and being stuck in the bathroom for weeks. Or with the fear that I would be lacking things that I needed, thus I over packed with cliff bars and a jumbo contact solution. Or with the fear that I would feel alone or perhaps so estranged to people here that I wouldn't be able to form strong relationships. Or the fears of sweating my brains out and getting lice.
And after I said goodbye to Tommy at the airport and was sitting in my seat before taking off, not knowing where the heck I was actually going, I sat there and told God that this summer was going to be hard enough and he best stop sending me places. I told him I didn't think I could do this whole charade where I leave my boyfriend and my parents at the terminal not knowing when I would get to talk to them and skip off to a strange land where I didn't know what anything would be like. I told him that I would probably be better off learning important life lessons a little closer to home- somewhere where I wouldn't look like the dumb gringo.
And here I am. My fears- void. My experiences- wouldn't trade them. Instead my fears becoming reality this summer has been a time where I continually thought, I can't imagine what I would be missing out on if I had stayed in my comfort zone.
The staff here are people I would not want to miss out on knowing. The women who run my house of 17 kids are only 19 and 21 and they are amazing at loving and caring for these kids, and thus I have seen God do the impossible through them. Their drive in life has left me wanting more of the crazy things God might have for me because they are definitely not going to settle.
Not only the staff but being able to see this country- a huge blessing. Our hotel that was on a lake surrounded by volcanoes took so much to actually get to, and yet because we were willing to trek, we got to experience the most amazing view. Even here when I wash dishes I get to look out at the mountains and be still.
And not to mention the kids. I get more hugs and kisses everyday than I thought I'd ever need. And how precious is it to see a kid's face light up when I come to their house in the morning or after nap time. I don't deserve for the little girl to look at me every morning and yell "Lorena!!" Smile, head tilt, "Lorena." Smile, "Buenos dias Lorena!" finished by a giggle and a hug. And here I thought this trip was about me sacraficing so that I could pour out what God had given me to others. That's partially true, but more so I am being poured into.
Because as it turns out, God is not a vindictive teacher who wants to move us to the next level of excruciating work so we grow and achieve more. He's not waiting for us to complete one level of faith and understanding so that he can assign us a new research paper at the next level. And I'm convinced that he's not a carver, waiting with a knife to carve out the nasty in us to make us something beautiful in the end. He's a potter who sometimes pumps the wheel so fast that it tickles, or who speeds up the wheel because he knows we can feel his hands better when he does.
God is the overexcited dad who makes his daughter go on the roller coaster even though she thinks she is not ready. He is the dad who takes his daughter skiing on the black slopes and when they get to the top of the hill he exclaims- follow me! Because he wants his girl to experience not only the view but the crazy ride down even though she's scared to death and he knows it. (sound familiar dad?) God doesn't want us to miss out. He's not a germaphobe. He's not concerned with his kids getting their clothes dirty or even with them getting a few bruises. In fact, they will get a bit beat up along the way- that's inevitable because he is not safe.
And that means that life holds some terrifying moments where we are standing on the top of the ski hill looking at the moguls wanting to bail- moments like on the airplane where I was skeptical and a little bitter. But once we go, without fail, there's more than we could ever have imagined on the way down. And God is right there snapping pictures yelling "I told you so! Now come on, there's more!"
So God, you are not safe. You are crazy in fact. And I am thankful because this has been a ride- the view, the people, the blessing- they wouldn't have happened if you hadn't dragged me on the ski lift and zoomed down the trail in front of me yelling "come on already!"
Romans 8:28 And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good...
When I came here I came with strange fears like the fear of getting a weird stomach bug and being stuck in the bathroom for weeks. Or with the fear that I would be lacking things that I needed, thus I over packed with cliff bars and a jumbo contact solution. Or with the fear that I would feel alone or perhaps so estranged to people here that I wouldn't be able to form strong relationships. Or the fears of sweating my brains out and getting lice.
And after I said goodbye to Tommy at the airport and was sitting in my seat before taking off, not knowing where the heck I was actually going, I sat there and told God that this summer was going to be hard enough and he best stop sending me places. I told him I didn't think I could do this whole charade where I leave my boyfriend and my parents at the terminal not knowing when I would get to talk to them and skip off to a strange land where I didn't know what anything would be like. I told him that I would probably be better off learning important life lessons a little closer to home- somewhere where I wouldn't look like the dumb gringo.
And here I am. My fears- void. My experiences- wouldn't trade them. Instead my fears becoming reality this summer has been a time where I continually thought, I can't imagine what I would be missing out on if I had stayed in my comfort zone.
The staff here are people I would not want to miss out on knowing. The women who run my house of 17 kids are only 19 and 21 and they are amazing at loving and caring for these kids, and thus I have seen God do the impossible through them. Their drive in life has left me wanting more of the crazy things God might have for me because they are definitely not going to settle.
Not only the staff but being able to see this country- a huge blessing. Our hotel that was on a lake surrounded by volcanoes took so much to actually get to, and yet because we were willing to trek, we got to experience the most amazing view. Even here when I wash dishes I get to look out at the mountains and be still.
And not to mention the kids. I get more hugs and kisses everyday than I thought I'd ever need. And how precious is it to see a kid's face light up when I come to their house in the morning or after nap time. I don't deserve for the little girl to look at me every morning and yell "Lorena!!" Smile, head tilt, "Lorena." Smile, "Buenos dias Lorena!" finished by a giggle and a hug. And here I thought this trip was about me sacraficing so that I could pour out what God had given me to others. That's partially true, but more so I am being poured into.
Because as it turns out, God is not a vindictive teacher who wants to move us to the next level of excruciating work so we grow and achieve more. He's not waiting for us to complete one level of faith and understanding so that he can assign us a new research paper at the next level. And I'm convinced that he's not a carver, waiting with a knife to carve out the nasty in us to make us something beautiful in the end. He's a potter who sometimes pumps the wheel so fast that it tickles, or who speeds up the wheel because he knows we can feel his hands better when he does.
God is the overexcited dad who makes his daughter go on the roller coaster even though she thinks she is not ready. He is the dad who takes his daughter skiing on the black slopes and when they get to the top of the hill he exclaims- follow me! Because he wants his girl to experience not only the view but the crazy ride down even though she's scared to death and he knows it. (sound familiar dad?) God doesn't want us to miss out. He's not a germaphobe. He's not concerned with his kids getting their clothes dirty or even with them getting a few bruises. In fact, they will get a bit beat up along the way- that's inevitable because he is not safe.
And that means that life holds some terrifying moments where we are standing on the top of the ski hill looking at the moguls wanting to bail- moments like on the airplane where I was skeptical and a little bitter. But once we go, without fail, there's more than we could ever have imagined on the way down. And God is right there snapping pictures yelling "I told you so! Now come on, there's more!"
So God, you are not safe. You are crazy in fact. And I am thankful because this has been a ride- the view, the people, the blessing- they wouldn't have happened if you hadn't dragged me on the ski lift and zoomed down the trail in front of me yelling "come on already!"
Romans 8:28 And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good...
Friday, July 16, 2010
Reasons to love this land
(AKA snapshots from the past two plus weeks when I neglected this blog)
1 Weekends away are scenic, thrilling, and cheep! Last weekend we stayed at an amazing lodge in the middle of a lake surrounded by volcanoes, which was not easy to get to but totally worth it. (it was raining when we arrived, and the dock was sort of underwater... Cressia was the only one to fall:D)
2 Zip lines go from the side of one volcano to another
3 Tuk-tuks! (google them and then picture 4 of us inside)
4 The amazing house moms love Twilight even here... not only did we make a night of it, but they sell ice cream at their theaters!
5 The mornings are beautiful enough to get up for (ok so I didn't have a choice)
6 Little girls still like to sing all the time- like this morning when I was doing their hair for school and we all started singing worship songs
7 Embarrassing moments will be left behind
Let's pause here for some explanation. In Guatemala, the culture is more formal than casual US and people don't really go out anywhere without getting ready... well since we started going to the house at 6 am, I didn't want to shower beforehand, so I would go with Andrea in the mornings in my PJs, glasses, no make-up, the usual morning grunge. Funny, after we got to the house one morning we were asked to take the kids to school. Our kids are too little to just drop off, so we have to stay with them in the mornings until devotionals start. So the rest of the kids at school are dropped off and the playground is full of tons of uniformed children, their dressed up teachers, and two white gringos in their glasses and PJs running around trying to keep 5 year olds controlled. Then devo's start and we are supposed to get the kids into lines- I had no idea what was happening, all I knew was that one of my kids was climbing up the flagpole behind one of the teachers (thankfully he is my friend) who was giving devotions. He would not get down so I crawled up, yes, in front of all the kids to get him down. Then we start praying and I am trying to keep my head down and be incognito, but that doesn't work because Ive got one of my boys in a headlock and all these kids are smiling. Oh, and I am wearing socks with my flip flops. So finally a teacher comes over and replaces me and I sneak out. Andrea is in the back, not intentionally leaving me but looking for one of the kids who we swore we lost. Laughing and completely embarrassed we left as fast as we could... and as we are walking back to the house there is one of our little boys, walking on the trail in the forest alone. Why? Still a good question. He wasn't mischievous looking, he just had the dear in the headlights look going on. I had to then walk him hand in hand all the way back through the crowd of people staring at my PJs and bring him into his classroom and explain to his teachers in Spanish that he was in the woods and I didn't know why. Then I left. Recap- gringo Lauren climbs in front of school of dressed up Guatemalans in her PJs and looses a kid in the woods. All the while wearing socks with flip flops:D
Back to the list of reasons to love this land
8 Good friends are still to be had in like minded people who love the Lord, even though communication is sometimes rough
9 FRUIT! praise God for all the fruit consumption on our get away
10 these kids, although we constantly discipline them and make them despise us, get really excited to see us every morning.
11 I get to play outside in the now beautiful weather with the kids.
Praise God for this place. Keep us all in your prayers as we only have 2 weeks left here and we all need to start detaching... which pretty much is the opposite of what we want to do. But God has been good to us. Pray for the kids too that they can accept our leaving and know that it is not their fault we have to leave.
1 Weekends away are scenic, thrilling, and cheep! Last weekend we stayed at an amazing lodge in the middle of a lake surrounded by volcanoes, which was not easy to get to but totally worth it. (it was raining when we arrived, and the dock was sort of underwater... Cressia was the only one to fall:D)
2 Zip lines go from the side of one volcano to another
3 Tuk-tuks! (google them and then picture 4 of us inside)
4 The amazing house moms love Twilight even here... not only did we make a night of it, but they sell ice cream at their theaters!
5 The mornings are beautiful enough to get up for (ok so I didn't have a choice)
6 Little girls still like to sing all the time- like this morning when I was doing their hair for school and we all started singing worship songs
7 Embarrassing moments will be left behind
Let's pause here for some explanation. In Guatemala, the culture is more formal than casual US and people don't really go out anywhere without getting ready... well since we started going to the house at 6 am, I didn't want to shower beforehand, so I would go with Andrea in the mornings in my PJs, glasses, no make-up, the usual morning grunge. Funny, after we got to the house one morning we were asked to take the kids to school. Our kids are too little to just drop off, so we have to stay with them in the mornings until devotionals start. So the rest of the kids at school are dropped off and the playground is full of tons of uniformed children, their dressed up teachers, and two white gringos in their glasses and PJs running around trying to keep 5 year olds controlled. Then devo's start and we are supposed to get the kids into lines- I had no idea what was happening, all I knew was that one of my kids was climbing up the flagpole behind one of the teachers (thankfully he is my friend) who was giving devotions. He would not get down so I crawled up, yes, in front of all the kids to get him down. Then we start praying and I am trying to keep my head down and be incognito, but that doesn't work because Ive got one of my boys in a headlock and all these kids are smiling. Oh, and I am wearing socks with my flip flops. So finally a teacher comes over and replaces me and I sneak out. Andrea is in the back, not intentionally leaving me but looking for one of the kids who we swore we lost. Laughing and completely embarrassed we left as fast as we could... and as we are walking back to the house there is one of our little boys, walking on the trail in the forest alone. Why? Still a good question. He wasn't mischievous looking, he just had the dear in the headlights look going on. I had to then walk him hand in hand all the way back through the crowd of people staring at my PJs and bring him into his classroom and explain to his teachers in Spanish that he was in the woods and I didn't know why. Then I left. Recap- gringo Lauren climbs in front of school of dressed up Guatemalans in her PJs and looses a kid in the woods. All the while wearing socks with flip flops:D
Back to the list of reasons to love this land
8 Good friends are still to be had in like minded people who love the Lord, even though communication is sometimes rough
9 FRUIT! praise God for all the fruit consumption on our get away
10 these kids, although we constantly discipline them and make them despise us, get really excited to see us every morning.
11 I get to play outside in the now beautiful weather with the kids.
Praise God for this place. Keep us all in your prayers as we only have 2 weeks left here and we all need to start detaching... which pretty much is the opposite of what we want to do. But God has been good to us. Pray for the kids too that they can accept our leaving and know that it is not their fault we have to leave.
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