a big painful question mark.

I am not a mom. I have had mom-like feelings, however, for certain people in my life. And whether it’s the beautiful kids in Guatemala, the beautiful gringos I babysit for in Wheaton, or the girls at the house right now, I can’t even start to imagine what sending any of them away (because I couldn’t take care of them) would feel like, especially if I didn’t know if I would ever see them again.  And yet that is what Her mom did. She was 12, her mom and dad couldn’t feed her. She would go work.

Later this mom and dad would ask about their daughter and all they would find out was that she was missing. After a year, they would assume she was dead.

After 3 years, they would be contacted by a girls’ home in the big city (us) and find out that she was indeed alive and her previous employer in jail for what he did to her.

On a Saturday in October a gringa from Chicago would get up early to leave with this daughter, the supervisor, caretaker, and a van full of food to try and find the family after 3 years.

On this day, the gringa, the least important in the story, would see what poor looks likes. She would see what a nervous girl anxious to find her mom looks like. And she would see a mom without much affection, a mom with a lot of fear, stare into her child’s face only to offer a hello after 3 years. She would see a younger brother with a face is aged by the stress of hunger, and she would see him asking his sister to take him with her.

This gringa would then see what little boys left alone for days looks like. She would see a two year old boy who is cold and hungry stare instead of cry. She would see him void of something… she would look away afraid to find out.  She would see the two brick “rooms” , one 7 by 3ft where the 11 would sleep with nothing more than the clothes on their backs. She would a sixteen year old shepherd girl, her sister, with her own baby tied on her back. She would find out the baby was 3 years old.

Then the gringa would see the mom of 8 begin to cry and hug her daughter when she said goodbye. And this gringa would cry. Because she would know that something went terribly wrong.

This couple would be left with food sufficient for a time. And their daughter would be relieved that she would not stay there.

And the gringa would look back as they left and wonder what it feels like to be a mom. And the daughter would take this gringa’s hand to hold it tightly as they walked back to their van.