To Bless and Be Blessed

- dedicated to all of you who have supported me and prayed me through this summer

I just finished my debrief session in SC (a week ago) where I spent time reflecting and writing about this summer. During our sessions, Tom encouraged us to try and sum up our time this summer to help us share our experiences with others. What my summer boils down to is this- as I spent time, energy, and prayer pouring into both little and big people at Casa Bernabe, I received overwhelmingly more blessings in turn.

And because the blessings were so apparent I am sitting here in the airport state side looking back on the long days spent with 17 toddlers and some amazing house moms and I wish I could remember the moments of sheer exhaustion more vividly to ease the homesickness for Guatemala. All I can seem to remember is how precious my new family became to me. And if only I remembered what it felt like for the alarm to go off at 5:20, if only I could remember what it was like to be the one to orchestrate nap times or bedtimes when I needed a nap myself, if only I could remember the frustration of disciplining children who decided to laugh in my face, if only I could remember that terrible smell of po-po every morning and diaper change... if only these memories hadn’t faded in light of the memories of the blessings then maybe the homesickness would ease.

Because what has stuck in my mind is Claudia sitting in her bunk in the morning with her head propped in her hands smiling- Bueno Dias Nena. (short for Lorena) Buenos dias mi amor, good morning my love. I am missing you right now.

What has stuck in my mind is Jose pequeno sitting on the armrest of the sofa stroking my hair that was wet from the rain and every time I would turn and look at him, he would smile his toothless smile and lean over and kiss me on the cheek.

What is engrained into my memory is hugging Magali, Alex, and Rosa when I dropped them off at school and them telling me- Necesitas besitos! You need a little kiss. I would get my kisses and tell them to behave well at school. Si Lorena…

What I will really never forget is Jose David whispering to me during Dora, Lorena, te queiro mucho! ...David, te quiero mucho tambien. I love you David.

These are the blessings that immersed me in joy during my time this summer. And as much as I know that the hard parts of this trip are fading fast from my mind, I also know that the blessings of the beautiful memories only actually came about after the exhausting times when I was obedient to pour out. The biggest blessings only came about after the biggest sacrifices.

For example, Claudia who loves me now, was my worst nightmare the first 2 weeks. She would not listen to me or interact with me positively- she only whined at me. I had no patience left for her and after a couple weeks of working at the house, we started disciplining as well as playing with the kids. Because we were willing to do timeouts and change diapers and spend time at the house just doing dishes, we started gaining Claudia's love. As we affectively put Claudia in timeout and would even take her back to her bed when she started throwing fits, she not only started responding to our authority, she started playing with us. She learned my name and would come up to me and have me sing her a song. (Which I would only do until she didn’t want me to sing with her anymore and would hush me so she could finish the song.)

And Jose pequeno, who was the first to run up to me at the end of our time (and may or may not be my favorite little boy who squirmed his way into my heart) really didn’t pay attention to me very much at all until we started helping with diaper duty (there are only 4 not potty trained in the house.) Andrea and I would take turns changing this little guy’s diaper because he reeked. Every time he had po-po all the kids would tell us because none of them wanted to play with him when he had pooped because he smelled so bad. Bringing Jose down to the house to shower him down after he had po-po was a sacrifice and there were plenty of times when I felt sick to my stomach thanks to him. But Jose loves water, so once he got over the fact that we had interrupted his playing in order to change his diaper, he would get all excited to be in the shower. We laughed every time I bathed him and it was all I could do to get him to not jump in the shower. The face time with him, bathing him and wrapping him up in the towel made me credible and worthy of his love. It was only through the po-po that I could earn the giggles and incessant kisses on the cheek.

And thus the story of my summer goes, it was because we started going early to the house that we got to bring the kids to school. It was only because we spent so much time watching the kids that Jose grew in trust and love for me, enough to tell me he loved me every day the last week we were there. (Yeah thanks for that timing buddy…) It was because we disciplined that we became lovable to Claudia and others, and it was because we were there constantly meeting their needs that they loved us enough to cry when we put them to bed that last night.

My summer in a sentence- as I spent time, energy, and prayer pouring into both little and big people at Casa Bernabe, I received overwhelmingly more blessings in turn.

Thank you for being witnesses and enabling me to experience the Lord’s work this summer. He is at work loving and restoring precious and broken little kids to health and wholeness and I got to be a part of it thanks to you all. Family and friends, you have poured out in me and I pray that you all are blessed in turn by my kids just as they have blessed me.

This is the Lord’s doing, it is marvelous in our eyes. Let us rejoice and be glad. Psalm 118. (check out Mosaic’s song to catch my spirit here.)

You will fulfill your will for me Oh Lord, I will Praise you for your steadfast love!

It's our last day here.

Last day.

I am about to go to the house and I have never been so excited to try and help bathe 11 little boys. And put gel in their hair. And... ok I need to stop while I am ahead otherwise this blog will be oversentimental.

And although I am really sad, and not ready to go, and although I have to completely rely on God's strength because as Matt said last night with a smile "I am currently watching the train wreck that is you right now!" I am a bit tired and weary, today is the day to praise the Lord my God.

He has been so good to me!!!

And mis amigos here at Casa Bernabe have welcomed me into their family- they have been so good to us.

And now, I get to go worship with my kids and my friends one last time.

Would love prayers- especially ones of praise for God's goodness here.

Peace,

Lo

That's the way this wheel keeps turning now.

Leaving sucks. I'm pretty sure that in the garden of Eden when things were perfect leaving did not exist. Everything was probably all-inclusive.
Not here, not now. Now we leave for vacation, for college, we leave our hometown to move cities, we leave stages of life behind and at each transition, we leave people. And as Johnny Mayer says: that's the way this wheel keeps working now. Because in the imperfect version of this world, life is mixed with goodbyes and hellos. It's a never ending wheel.
"And if you never stop when you wave goodbye, You just might find if you give it time, You will wave hello again, You just might wave hello again."
The wheel is getting to me. This entire week has been emotional as I have tried to detach from this place and my babies. I have teared up at the most unexpected times- like the other night when I had a little girl in a onezie sitting on my lap and she wouldn't sit still because she just kept wanting to hug me. Or while I was doing Ana's hair and one of the most rowdy little boys decided to be my assistant and hand me bobby pin by bobby pin. (strange moments...) Or this morning when one of the boys was on the toilet and the other was playing with his tooth brush in the sink and I came in the hurry them up and they both smiled preciously and said "Hola Lorena." Those little kids... they stole my heart. And what's worse, I need it back now.
The worst was definitely on Monday. I sat down with Charlie (obviously fake name...) and he had just scraped up his knees. Because I had his full attention and we were one on one I decided to explain to him again that we (Andrea and I) we leaving. Last time he laughed at me when I explained it, so I knew I needed to try again. I explained that we were going back to our families, and that he was going to stay here in his house with his house moms. And he scrunched his brow and I asked him if he understood. "No..." "We have to leave and go far away soon and we are not coming back soon. And you are going to stay here in your great house!" His eyes started watering and lip quivering and ... he cried. "Charlie, do you understand what is going to happen?" "Si!" he answered angrily through his tears. "are you crying because you are sad?" "SI!" My heart hurt.
I swooped him up and told him how God sent us here especially to play with him and to make him feel special at his new house (he had only come to Casa Bernabe 1 week before we had) but now God told us that we had to go home and that he was going to send new friends here to be with Charlie. He shook his head, but he was still angry. This little one had been abandoned before.
Since then, I have told Charlie everyday that he gets to stay here at Casa Bernabe and he even smiles now and says "Si!" He's getting it, praise God, that we REALLY don't want to leave him. And he is happy because he is affirmed in our love.
But I am not happy nor appeased. I keep assuring them of our love and telling them how we have to leave, and am getting worse for it. That day in the park tore me up. I had to go inside and cry. Because when it comes down to it, Charlie will heal, he will get it, and I will still be missing him and the others wishing I could be the one to love them.
After all, this is the closest I have ever come to feeling like a parent. After this short time of changing them, disciplining them, playing with them, and feeding them my kids have commandeered my heart. The more I worked on their behalf, the more deeply I loved them. And after this short time, the kids who are friendly with everyone have started to respond to us in a deeper sense. They trust us to insure justice when someone hit them, they know we will change their diaper when they ask, they will come to us to help them with little things, to do their hair, to give them their clothes, and they always want to tell us when they did something good, or how they behaved in school. They know we have been there for them and they show it. And that is a sweet reward from God.
But now we leave. And thanks be to God, they truly don't need us. Charlie cried because he was sad because he has grown to love us, but he will move on because he has so much love here. They all will. And God will provide for them.
But me, that's a different story.
And thus I am here constantly tearing up because I don't get to be apart of my kids' lives anymore. I don't get to take them to school anymore. I don't get to change their diapers or watch the younger ones get poddy-trained. I don't get to pick out their clothes... And I am going to take some time and pout about it before I go home :D.
That's the way this wheel keeps turning now. We pour out, we leave. And it was good to be here, and I wouldn't trade it. But when Charlie cries, and my heart hurts and I have to say, leaving sucks.
"And if you never stop when you wave goodbye, You just might find if you give it time, You will wave hello again, You just might wave hello again."
Pray for us.

No, he is not safe. But he is good.

God is not safe, but oh he's been good.
When I came here I came with strange fears like the fear of getting a weird stomach bug and being stuck in the bathroom for weeks. Or with the fear that I would be lacking things that I needed, thus I over packed with cliff bars and a jumbo contact solution. Or with the fear that I would feel alone or perhaps so estranged to people here that I wouldn't be able to form strong relationships. Or the fears of sweating my brains out and getting lice.
And after I said goodbye to Tommy at the airport and was sitting in my seat before taking off, not knowing where the heck I was actually going, I sat there and told God that this summer was going to be hard enough and he best stop sending me places. I told him I didn't think I could do this whole charade where I leave my boyfriend and my parents at the terminal not knowing when I would get to talk to them and skip off to a strange land where I didn't know what anything would be like. I told him that I would probably be better off learning important life lessons a little closer to home- somewhere where I wouldn't look like the dumb gringo.
And here I am. My fears- void. My experiences- wouldn't trade them. Instead my fears becoming reality this summer has been a time where I continually thought, I can't imagine what I would be missing out on if I had stayed in my comfort zone.
The staff here are people I would not want to miss out on knowing. The women who run my house of 17 kids are only 19 and 21 and they are amazing at loving and caring for these kids, and thus I have seen God do the impossible through them. Their drive in life has left me wanting more of the crazy things God might have for me because they are definitely not going to settle.
Not only the staff but being able to see this country- a huge blessing. Our hotel that was on a lake surrounded by volcanoes took so much to actually get to, and yet because we were willing to trek, we got to experience the most amazing view. Even here when I wash dishes I get to look out at the mountains and be still.
And not to mention the kids. I get more hugs and kisses everyday than I thought I'd ever need. And how precious is it to see a kid's face light up when I come to their house in the morning or after nap time. I don't deserve for the little girl to look at me every morning and yell "Lorena!!" Smile, head tilt, "Lorena." Smile, "Buenos dias Lorena!" finished by a giggle and a hug. And here I thought this trip was about me sacraficing so that I could pour out what God had given me to others. That's partially true, but more so I am being poured into.
Because as it turns out, God is not a vindictive teacher who wants to move us to the next level of excruciating work so we grow and achieve more. He's not waiting for us to complete one level of faith and understanding so that he can assign us a new research paper at the next level. And I'm convinced that he's not a carver, waiting with a knife to carve out the nasty in us to make us something beautiful in the end. He's a potter who sometimes pumps the wheel so fast that it tickles, or who speeds up the wheel because he knows we can feel his hands better when he does.
God is the overexcited dad who makes his daughter go on the roller coaster even though she thinks she is not ready. He is the dad who takes his daughter skiing on the black slopes and when they get to the top of the hill he exclaims- follow me! Because he wants his girl to experience not only the view but the crazy ride down even though she's scared to death and he knows it. (sound familiar dad?) God doesn't want us to miss out. He's not a germaphobe. He's not concerned with his kids getting their clothes dirty or even with them getting a few bruises. In fact, they will get a bit beat up along the way- that's inevitable because he is not safe.
And that means that life holds some terrifying moments where we are standing on the top of the ski hill looking at the moguls wanting to bail- moments like on the airplane where I was skeptical and a little bitter. But once we go, without fail, there's more than we could ever have imagined on the way down. And God is right there snapping pictures yelling "I told you so! Now come on, there's more!"

So God, you are not safe. You are crazy in fact. And I am thankful because this has been a ride- the view, the people, the blessing- they wouldn't have happened if you hadn't dragged me on the ski lift and zoomed down the trail in front of me yelling "come on already!"

Romans 8:28 And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good...

Reasons to love this land

(AKA snapshots from the past two plus weeks when I neglected this blog)
1 Weekends away are scenic, thrilling, and cheep! Last weekend we stayed at an amazing lodge in the middle of a lake surrounded by volcanoes, which was not easy to get to but totally worth it. (it was raining when we arrived, and the dock was sort of underwater... Cressia was the only one to fall:D)
2 Zip lines go from the side of one volcano to another
3 Tuk-tuks! (google them and then picture 4 of us inside)
4 The amazing house moms love Twilight even here... not only did we make a night of it, but they sell ice cream at their theaters!
5 The mornings are beautiful enough to get up for (ok so I didn't have a choice)
6 Little girls still like to sing all the time- like this morning when I was doing their hair for school and we all started singing worship songs
7 Embarrassing moments will be left behind
Let's pause here for some explanation. In Guatemala, the culture is more formal than casual US and people don't really go out anywhere without getting ready... well since we started going to the house at 6 am, I didn't want to shower beforehand, so I would go with Andrea in the mornings in my PJs, glasses, no make-up, the usual morning grunge. Funny, after we got to the house one morning we were asked to take the kids to school. Our kids are too little to just drop off, so we have to stay with them in the mornings until devotionals start. So the rest of the kids at school are dropped off and the playground is full of tons of uniformed children, their dressed up teachers, and two white gringos in their glasses and PJs running around trying to keep 5 year olds controlled. Then devo's start and we are supposed to get the kids into lines- I had no idea what was happening, all I knew was that one of my kids was climbing up the flagpole behind one of the teachers (thankfully he is my friend) who was giving devotions. He would not get down so I crawled up, yes, in front of all the kids to get him down. Then we start praying and I am trying to keep my head down and be incognito, but that doesn't work because Ive got one of my boys in a headlock and all these kids are smiling. Oh, and I am wearing socks with my flip flops. So finally a teacher comes over and replaces me and I sneak out. Andrea is in the back, not intentionally leaving me but looking for one of the kids who we swore we lost. Laughing and completely embarrassed we left as fast as we could... and as we are walking back to the house there is one of our little boys, walking on the trail in the forest alone. Why? Still a good question. He wasn't mischievous looking, he just had the dear in the headlights look going on. I had to then walk him hand in hand all the way back through the crowd of people staring at my PJs and bring him into his classroom and explain to his teachers in Spanish that he was in the woods and I didn't know why. Then I left. Recap- gringo Lauren climbs in front of school of dressed up Guatemalans in her PJs and looses a kid in the woods. All the while wearing socks with flip flops:D

Back to the list of reasons to love this land
8 Good friends are still to be had in like minded people who love the Lord, even though communication is sometimes rough
9 FRUIT! praise God for all the fruit consumption on our get away
10 these kids, although we constantly discipline them and make them despise us, get really excited to see us every morning.
11 I get to play outside in the now beautiful weather with the kids.

Praise God for this place. Keep us all in your prayers as we only have 2 weeks left here and we all need to start detaching... which pretty much is the opposite of what we want to do. But God has been good to us. Pray for the kids too that they can accept our leaving and know that it is not their fault we have to leave.

Grace

Last night, Andrea and I had what we called the biggest babysitting job of our lives. One of our four house moms is leaving to go back to the states tomorrow, so last night was the night that the house moms went out to dinner while we they entrusted us with the kids.
We got to the house at 7pm and all of the 17 kids were in bed but not yet asleep. Andrea went into the boys' room to supervise and I went into the girls' room. All but two were asleep, and I figured that I would stand there and occasionally tell the two who were awake to go to sleep and then I would leave and watch a movie or something. It was quiet for about 10 minutes and just when I started to leave the room Claudia, age 3 threw her blanket off her bed. Claudia was on the top bunk so as to fence her in. I gave it back and told her gently to go to sleep. She sat up and started crying. I tried patting her back and saying over and over again "estas bien", "you are ok." Then she started crying harder- that terrifying cry where there is a long silence because the kid stops breathing for a second and then suddenly the scream comes. The other girls started squirming in their beds and I ran over and picked her up. There was no way this one was going to wake up all six of them. At this point I still had love and sympathy for her. She was upset.

So I carried her through the hallway and as she got comfortable on me, I started to wonder how on earth I would get this chick into her top bunk. Andrea was having success with the boys, and they were almost silent in the next room, so she needed to stay in their room so I was stuck trying this alone. Every time I got near her door, Claudia would start crying again. So I bit the bullet, brought her into the room, and prayed for her and the rest of the girls to sleep. But she started screaming again. I couldn't take her back down, that clearly did no good, so I put her in her in her bunk. Then she kicked me. And threw her blanket at me. And start throwing her version of a temper tantrum- which looks like her slapping her knees with her hands. I climbed up and tried to lay her down. She slapped me. I took her blanket and left the room. She started quieting down so I thought leaving her alone was the best option. Then I heard this strange buzzing sound coming from the room. She was buzzing her lips against the mattress. And then she started talking to herself at a loud volume while the rest of the house was silent. I had to go back in and tell her lay down. She tried to kick me again. And then she started crying. One of the other little girls yelled "be quiet Claudia!" So I took her out and made her sit on the floor in the hallway. At this point I couldn't take it. I had sung to her, kissed her, hugged her, patted her back while she tried to kick me and had irrationally gotten beat up for it. Andrea came over and I asked her to take Claudia. Not a lot of love left.

Andrea sang to her and rubbed her back and I went to the living room to get away. I sometimes have trouble taking things personally, and after a long day spent pouring out, I gave my last to Claudia and she beat me for it. It was 9 and I had spent two hours with her. As I sat there in the dark living room I remembered my favorite verse- "Then he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses." 1 Cor 12:9. Here I was, in my weakness with no strength of my own left and the little girl was still sobbing in the hallway. I prayed as much as I could for this little one, and still my power was insufficient. I knew that whatever happened from this point on would be his power in my weakness. So I got up and challenged God to do a good work because I clearly did not love this little girl.

I went into her room and started humming "Jesus Loves Me" with Andrea while stroking her back and she was still so mad at me she wouldn't let me touch her. So I kept humming. And came in front of her and kissed her forehead and Andrea moved away and I got right up to her bed and she looked at me and then put her head on my shoulder. Andrea left the room and I started quoting scripture out loud. I started with 1 Cor 12:9. And she got quiet. Amazed and really confused as to why I just actually said that verse out loud in a room full of sleeping girls, I kept going. I quoted Psalm 23- the Lord is my shepherd, he makes me lie down beside quiet waters, he restores my soul. Phil 1:4 He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion in the name of Christ Jesus. Hebrews 10:22 "let us draw near to God with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith," ect... These verses were more for me than for her. And as I kept quoting scripture, I realized that these verses were full of assurance and peace for both myself and Claudia. I also realized I needed to memorize more scripture because finally I started quoting Genesis 1, "On the first day, On the second day, On the third day..." which I thought was funny at first, but even these simple verses reminded me that God loves us and called us good. Then I decided to jump to Revelation and as I started saying "Holy, Holy, Holy is the Lord God Almighty who was, who is, and who is to come" Claudia laid down and fell asleep. And I moved back from her bed and went to the middle of the girls' room saying that over and over again, knowing that one day we'd be saying it together. In heaven.

His grace is sufficient. Even for me. Even for Claudia.

Momma Love

This is what John, the little boy I babysit for, says when he misses his mom. I want my momma love.

Being here is making me experience this momma love even though I don’t have any kids to call my own. (And I won’t be taking any home- no worries, not yet at least) Because caring for these kids requires a lot of forgiving, a lot of consistent discipline, patience, and endurance in dealing with bodily functions. Caring for these kids requires momma love. Aka agape.

Last Sunday, for example, I gave all the girls their bath (shower) and the water was cold. I had already done my hair for church and was going to change quickly before the service started after the kids were ready. My plan played out a bit differently when Rosa wouldn’t give me the shower hose and decided to spray all the girls herself and Mariella jumped out of the shower and attacked my leg while Claudia screamed and Magali started crying. My leg was soaked and my hair was clearly not going to make it either. What was I to do - yell at little naked screaming girls for being cold? Yes! Just kidding. No- with God’s grace I started singing songs about how great water is and counting to three excitedly each time I sprayed them so they knew the cold wouldn’t last too long. In that moment I did not feel like trying to cheer up these little girls who seemed like my enemies. But God did a miracle right then- he handed out some momma love to me. Because momma love is not easily angered.

I was the one with the towel afterwards who got to wrap them up and hug them as they got out. And it didn’t matter that my coffee had worn off.

God knows something about momma love. Momma love (comparable to agape in my use of it here) is constantly tested but constantly rejoices in victories.

So yesterday, when Andrea and I were at the park, Jose got diarrhea that got all over him. I took him back to bathe him. My stomach had been uneasy and more so Jose was mad at me for bringing him back to the house to clean him up. He wanted to keep playing. But after he was bathed and re-diapered I let him pick out his own socks and shoes. Black socks and Sponge Bob crocks. I grabbed his hand to go back up the hill and he kissed it. Happy as can be he bounced up the hill and every time we walked past someone I made sure they saw his awesome feet. What can I say, at that moment he was my cute kid to show off. Momma love is patient and kind.

Later I came back and Hector was at the house and I was supposed to bring him up to the park with the others. He gave me the evil eye and I told him sternly that he was coming up with us right now. And he yelled no and dropped to the pavement. When kids these age don’t want to go somewhere and an adult starts to grab their arm they very strategically make their body go limp so it is impossible to drag them along. I looked down at Hector and he had tears all down his face. Normally I would not allow for this blatant disrespect of lying down on the pavement because one doesn’t want to walk, but God reminded me that Hector is fragile. So I bent down, and humbled myself and instead of demanding that he respect me, I told him I wasn’t mad and that I needed him to come sit with me. I held him for awhile and he finally told me he didn’t feel good. After some time of him sitting on my lap curled in my arms, he started to feel better and suddenly he jumped down and started playing cars with the boys, occasionally looking back at me and smiling. Momma love always protects, always trusts, always perseveres.

Momma love, aka agape, is a miraculous thing. Thank you God for giving all of us a taste of it this summer.

PS: Moms have bragging rights- here is my moment to brag:

Claudia can say “tah dah!”

Anderson shared his car yesterday

David is finally playing with the other kids

Juanito can wink with each eye

Mariella gargles her spit and makes hilarious faces

Alex is good at braids

Melvin sings whenever he swings

Mauricio is the most gentleman of all

All of our boys pick us flowers daily

Manuel can draw a monkey with chalk

Rosita always comes and finds me for a hug

My kids are so dang cute. AND IF YOU WANT TO SPONSOR ONE, GO TO:

http://www.foce.org/sponsorship.html (and pick one from CASA LAMAR! My house! Ok, the other houses work too)

1 Corinthians 13

Love

¹If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. ²If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. ³If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

⁴Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

⁸Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. ⁹For we know in part and we prophesy in part, ¹⁰but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. ¹¹When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. ¹²Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

¹³And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.